Laughable quotes I can come up with

Remember, these are not funny quotes. These are laughable quotes. Know the difference.

1. When life gives you lemons, call them Zitronen and then show off because you sat through 5 lessons of Deutsch.
2. Best way to predict the future is to not do anything. You know exactly what happens when you lie in bed all day and binge rewatch your favorite shows.
3. You can never lose if you never compete. So, sit down and enjoy life.
4. Find the top 3 things you enjoy, and then direct all your focus on getting distracted by everything else. That’s how I’ve been living my life and it’s turning out great.
5. You can find happiness in places you least expect. For example, I’ve been spending 2 hours each way on my commute to work, 5 days a week, 28 days a month, but when I got out of my 1 hour train yesterday and was running for 5 minutes because I was about to miss my 1 hour public bus to Bury, I accidentally barreled into a man, not too hard, but hard enough for him to fall down. I then looked back at him and without apologizing, took off because I would be extremely late for work if I missed my bus. He probably thought I ran because I thought that he would call the police or hit me back, but I will never know what would have happened. Long story short, I was still late to work because the bus kept stopping at all the bus stops on it’s route, which is annoying. And then I missed a very important meeting because I was having a late breakfast at the office cafeteria. And then I worked for 2 hours and then got a headache thinking about the long journey back home. I was afraid I would find that man again and he would remember me and then call the cops on me because with the speed I was running, it could be considered a hit-and-run. I don’t know what the minimum speed threshold for a hit-and-run is. Anyway, that’s my life. I don’t know where happiness comes in, but pretty sure it’s there. Just have to look hard.
6. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s when someone tries to talk to me about something random when I am watching my favorite team play.
7. Don’t live as if you were to die tomorrow. That’s stupid. You’ll probably end up with a massive credit card debt, which you will have to pay because you aren’t actually going to die tomorrow.
8. Be who you are and say what you feel. You will be ostracized and left to live out your life alone. But at least, people will know what a bad person you are.
9. Tying your shoe-laces can be a two person job if you’re sharp as a marble.
10. It’s never too late to do anything you want. Except getting that appendix out. It’s late when it bursts, and it hurts like hell.